Saturday, February 10, 2007

Up too close.

Well, I haven't blogged in ages. I've been here, having nothing to say, or nothing that I feel like saying in a public blog. I've been alternately finding refuge in idle entertainment, becoming horrified by my own settling, and getting sick, so it's been an awesome fucking month.

I did get a new cell phone, though. You know, that thing that I am unlikely to answer if you call. It has a lot of extraneous features (i.e., any of them that don't involve storing phone numbers, making phone calls, and receiving voice mail), some of which are even a little bit interesting, much as I hate to admit it. There is the camera, which allows me to take grainy photos of the world around me to use as my phone's wallpaper. There are the trial versions of java games that allow me to play the same one level repeatedly, if I am so inclined to use up my battery. There is a bluetooth deal that would allow me to walk around with the Borg-like earpiece, looking like a giant tool, if I felt like spending the money to get that. It also plays mp3s and gets FM radio, but I haven't really used those, either. Additionally, it is my first flip phone--and my first non-Nokia phone--so I am compulsively flipping it open and shut.

Wow, I had a lot to say about my fucking cell phone.

Two weeks ago I started getting weirdly sick--or not actually sick; it's unclear! I might've just been pushing my depression into some kind of psychosomatic illness, for all I know--and the result was missing 2.5 days of work, seeing my new doctor only to be told there is basically nothing wrong with me, and dropping the ball on what was shaping up to be a pretty decent fitness program. Motherfucker. I swear to christ that every time I try to be good, some shit happens and I lose my grip. It happened last fall with the walking to work/ankle sprain fiasco, and I'm sure it's happened other times. I can't tell you how many times I've dropped out of martial arts classes after suffering a cold and missing two sessions. (Okay, I can. It's twice.)

Right now, the only real symptom I'm experiencing is that I feel lightheaded pretty much all the time. It started when the illness started and I was on my period. I started taking B-12 at my doctor's suggestion, and I might add some iron supplements, but I don't know that this is actually a nutritional deficiency. Also, I know at least some of this was real because Kevin came down with most of the same symptoms.

Oh, this is disjointed, and I have no patience for anything. The smoke alarm is going off, again, as it likes to do when it's feeling neglected. It sees us in the kitchen, cooking, and we're not giving it affection, so it goes off. I want to throttle it, but I'll settle for angrily waving a broom at it.

I'm not feeling very inspired or motivated to do much of anything. Pretty much nothing appears to be happening on the Cryptic Step 4 thing and as the days drag on I feel less and less talented and interesting. I am going to waste in my own mind and at my own desk and I hate it. I have always been this fucking self-defeating; it's probably my worst trait (and I certainly have a lot of bad traits). I always feel like if I've got someone else to answer to, I can do anything, but left to my own devices, I'll languish.

Though even that last part isn't entirely true; I made a promise to an old friend and broke it in a seriously pathetic way. I still can't even talk to her, even though she's repeatedly told me all is forgiven. So what do you do when one positive thing you always believed about yourself is proven untrue?

I don't know, but right now the therapy involves watching shitty TV to pass the time and listening to music to grieve the passing of my soul.

1 comment:

Julie said...

i'm going through some of the same stuff. email me if you want to talk about it!