Thursday, July 15, 2004

Nothing New

I didn't want to write until I had something to say, and I don't have anything to say, but I feel like I need to write. Except every time I get to this point, the words don't come. They're all in my head at random times and don't come out right. I've always had this problem. It's always bothered me.

Everything is in flux, and I mean everything. And it's not like I'm a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly. There's no proscribed course of change, I can't go make a cocoon and become something else, something with a specific purpose. I can't go through college and come out employed. I have to stalk my future. Purpose doesn't fall into my lap.

My second interview went very well, by the way, but I won't hear until at least tomorrow, I guess. The more time goes by between the interview and the notification, the less confident I am.

So I'm biding my time, rifling through job boards across the Internet, looking for something else even remotely worthy of notice and finding not a whole hell of a lot. I mean, I know I've only been at this a short while and really, I might be in for the long haul when it comes to finding gainful employment, but I'm really bad at that. I got fucking depressed about being unemployed from day one. And the more I look, the gloomier I feel. I guess that's normal. That it's normal is no comfort, though.

I'm reading and watching documentaries and getting really fucking angry. If I can't find a job and I can't spend all my time doing the dishes, well, I might as well get hyped up about politics. What good it's going to do me, I don't know, but it's something to focus the mind. Last night I watched The Weather Underground, which was pretty fascinating. It really brought out the cognitive dissonance I feel about radical leftist movements--I totally sympathize with their goals and philosophies, in a lot of ways, but the methods can be extreme (the Weathermen, for example, bombed a bunch of buildings during the Vietnam War) and even the philosophy can be too extreme for me. It's just hard to know where to get a foothold on the issues. But they talked about wanting to be a part of the revolution, of giving up comfort for the sake of the cause, and--yeah. I get that. I haven't done it... haven't felt it's necessary yet. What would make it necessary, anyway? Where's that line? And at the same time, it makes me question my long-standing plan to move to Canada if things get any worse--what good is running away? Do I have any resolve, about anything?

Anyway. Rachel was up last weekend, which was lovely. Her new place is damn near walking distance from here, even, and I'm hoping we'll be able to get in some good hanging out time. We have pretty similar music and movie tastes, so if nothing else, I am hoping we can get out and do that sort of thing on a regular basis. I helped her shop for decor and met the new boy, who was pretty cool. She also tells me that our third best friend from 8th grade, Sasha, will be coming to check out the UW Law School next month, so we'll all get to see each other for the first time in, I think, seven or eight years. How serendipitous if we all ended up in Seattle as adults after being quite suddenly separated after 8th grade?

Well, I must enjoy one last DVD before they all go back and I try to get Dead Like Me, which was out on $2 Tuesday, drat! (The woman working that day revealed that it embarrassed her that some people called it Tightwad Tuesday, a nickname that honestly never occurred to me.) And here is a comic (of sorts) sent to me by Chris that you should all enjoy.

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