Tuesday, April 01, 2008


I am not a competitive person. I hate it, in fact. I just want to be good and helpful and work with a team and be useful in any capacity and feel good about myself for doing it. I want to do that in a place that doesn't make me want to shoot myself.

Apparently these jobs, which do exist, are unavailable to me due to the teeming horde of people more qualified than me. I think I don't interview all that well, and basically everything that's happened for me, job-wise, was a stroke of fucking luck. My college job I got without so much as an interview. My last job that ultimately drove me to Prozac? No one else actually made it in for an interview and I was good enough.

How the fuck is someone supposed to get more qualified than the other assholes without actually getting a job that allows you to develop said qualifications? The things that I lack aren't skills I can pick up with a class from the UCSC Extension or anything (well, for the most part). I have the basic stuff down, it's just that someone else always has it down better, plus some. I KNOW I am a good worker. I KNOW I have the capacity to pick stuff up and do a good job. I also know I have a mouth and an inability to sell myself, because god knows just saying, "I can do that!" isn't going to prove anything.

All I know is that eventually I'm going to be so fucking broke that I will have to find it within myself to somehow nab one of these jobs I totally don't want that will get me absolutely zero experience in anything resembling a field I'm interested in, and the cycle of depression will spiral up again and I'll be a super fun person to be around.

I've always been okay with not being the best at things. But it kills me that even though I'm good, I'm clearly never good ENOUGH unless I'm the only one available. I want to prove myself, but it doesn't have to be because I'm the best.

Oh, plus, the paranoid side of me starts thinking that little $cieno imps know I think they're creepy and/or everyone else knows about my former employer and that taints me. Even if it is extremely unlikely, I fear it.

I don't know. Clearly I am "competitive" enough as a candidate to get an interview or two, but if someone else has a superior resume, why the fuck are they bothering to talk to me, to tell me they'll decide "within a few days," but I have to wait a week for the inevitable email of doom (like college applications with the small envelopes, emails from potential employers spell failure). In an interview, you're supposed to dress up, which I can do (kinda), but I think my behavior is in many ways worse than it would normally be because I'm not as comfortable or confident as I get to be in a real working situation. I'm worried they won't like me, and allow myself to be surprised when they don't.

One thing I know I'm overqualified to do is sit on my ass all day. In some ways I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but the lack of productivity, the frustration of my situation, and dwindling bank account are wearing on me.

1 comment:

Paul Cannon said...

Look on the bright side. You don't have to audition for anything if you want to move forward in life. Getting a career in an orchestra is literally a competition.